When should you First have Sex in a relationship?
by Gloria Liven
This is a very difficult question, but we get asked it a LOT. So we thought we'd try our best to tackle it.

Since every person and couple is different, there is no "right time". However, these factors can help you decide.

Never on the first date. Never in the first month.
Ever relationship I've seen that has done this has have many problems. If you have sex so soon, it says little of your standards, and basically says that you're desparate, stupid, or have very low standards. If you (or they) can't wait 30 days to get to know each other, then you're not mature enough to handle a real relationship.

Sex is a Final Step
Sex is one of the most intimate things you can ever share with another person. If you don't think you can be yourself with the other person, tell them everything about you, and share everything-- then you aren't ready for sex. Once you've done it, you can't turn back. And doing it with multiple people-- how special does that make it to you? Make sure it's something completely special you want to share with just one person.

Do you already have a Good Relationship?
Having sex will not make a bad relationship better, but will make it worse. Do you already hold hands? Do you cuddle? Do you have a good emotional relationship? Can you talk about anything? Have you met their friends/family? Make sure your relationship is good, happy, and stable before taking on the most intimate and final step-- sex.

Also, make sure you naturally go throug the 12 Steps to Intimacy. Couples that skip steps, or worse-- go straight to sex-- tend to not last long.

The "6 month" Infatuation Period
Most couples go through a stage called Infatuation. This is marked by very strong emotions, always thinking of the other person, and lots of passion. Your brain chemistry is actually different during this stage of love! According to most experts, it lasts 6 months, but some say it can last up to a year.

Waiting until the emotions have cooled off to have sex can give you a much clearer view of the other person. Having sex on a whim, or because of the heat of passion, is never a good idea. Make sure you make a rational decision to have sex-- not just an emotional one that you'll regret later.

You can think you know a person, only to find out later that you didn't. So waiting longer only gives you more time to learn about the other person and develop your relationship before mixing in the added problems sex brings.

Having Sex "Too Soon" or "Too Late"?
Having sex too soon can damage a relationship. If one partner isn't ready but does it anyway, there may be feelings of guilt, regret, or anger. If you haven't discussed birth control or STDs, you may be in for a nasty surprise.

But is there such a thing as having sex "too late"? We really don't think so. I don't think I've ever seen any relationship fail because they had sex "too late" or not at all. But I have seen many fail because of having sex too early.

I don't think it is possible to wait too long to have sex. Waiting will not ruin or hurt anything, although it could lead to sexual frustration.

A person is never going to "leave you" because you don't have sex with them. And if they do, then there's something deeply wrong with them and they don't understand the difference between a relationship and sex.

If one partner is getting sexually frustrated, you might discuss options to prevent that. Maybe you should refrain from kissing or making out; Or maybe you should start having other types of sexual play to release frustration. It's up to the couple to discuss.

It is better too late, than too soon, when it comes to having sex!

Are you comfortable & ready for it?
You have to make sure you, and your partner, are both ready. Make sure you have discussed birth control methods, STDs, and each other's sex history. Ask what would happen if pregnancy occurred, and how you would deal with it. If you aren't comfortable talking about those things, it's a HUGE sign you aren't ready for sex.

If one partner still feels weird about it, or doesn't want to go through with it, then their wishes should be respected. Nothing will ruin the trust in a relationship faster than coercing someone into doing something sexual that they aren't ready for.

You should never, ever have sex simply because you think your partner expects it!

Waiting for "The Right Time"
There is no right time. Just because you've been in a relationship for 3 months, 6 months, or a year-- that doesn't mean you have to have sex! The biggest way to know it's the right time, is to discuss it with your partner.

Remember -- if a couple can't talk about sex comfortable, then they are NOT ready to have it!

If you're Under 18... wait
It is never a good idea to have sex young. Waiting won't hurt, and even though it may seem like forever from now, believe me, time passes. Childish thinking says, "I'm mature enough now!" whereas a mature teen will think, "I'll wait and think more about it". There are so many reasons to wait-- until you have your own place where you won't be interrupted, until you have more life experience, until you know what you want out of life or a relationship, knowing if pregnancy occurs you can afford to raise a child....

There is never a reason to have sex so young (especially if your partner is older)... if someone loves you, they'll wait.

Waiting for Marriage
Some peoplebelieve you should never have sex outside of marriage. This can be for the right reasons (wanting to have your partner's love and commitment and trust) or the wrong reasons (fearing you are commiting a sin, afraid of getting pregnant).

If you wait until your are married, you will know you have the other person's commitment (at least while the marriage lasts). You will know having sex wasn't just an emotional decision-- but a deep, thoughtful decision that is based on love and commitment.

If you've been raised in a religious household, being married will make you feel OK with having sex, and not feel guilty or "dirty".

But this doesn't mean just because you are married, sex is OK; Take arranged marriages for example! Being married doesn't mean you have true love or a deep bond. So, don't run off to get married because you think it will make having sex OK. Get married because you truly want to be with the other person!

Waiting until marriage is a very respectable thing to do. It can be difficult, but if both partners work through that difficulty it may strengthen their bond.

If you or your partner feels sex outside of marriage is wrong, then you MUST value that person's decision and wait.

There are still many things you can do besides sex to have fun, although what you are comfortable with and where you draw the line depends. Some people find oral sex and other sex play to be OK, while others think any form of sexual contact, including kissing, is taboo.

Personally, I think some form of sexual play is healthy in a relationship, and there are plenty of ways to avoid sexual frustration besides full-out sex.

We aren't going to tell you what is morally right or wrong, that is for each individual to decide. Waiting until your married does have its benefits, but it may not be for everyone-- studies show that about 90% of adults have premarital sex.

We just hope you'll think deeply about your decisions and make them for the right reasons. I do think sex should be special, to be shared with (ideally) just one person, and whether that means a solid relationship, or a marriage, depends on the person.

Bad Reasons to Have Sex

Make sure if you do decide to have sex, you aren't doing it for a stupid reason. Read the article, Bad Reasons to Have Sex, here.

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